I went for a walk. In the middle of the work day I just walked out. I took nothing but my phone and the key card to get back in. I walked twelve flights down the stairs and out the front door. No one knew where I was going. Even me. I just couldn’t stand being cooped up in this tiny windowless room anymore. I walked away from the traffic, back towards the backside of stores and auto dealerships, back where old apartments and condos stood among bars and tiny business parks. There was a sign for apartments to rent that I called. They wanted $1100 for a two bedroom there, no central air just window units.
“But,” the lady said, “Not too far away a one bedroom is opening up at the end of August, only $775!”
Only. While it would be nice to be within walking distance of my work I didn’t feel too safe walking around in the middle of the day. I don’t think I’d like to be there in the middle of the night.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalm 103: 2-5 (NIV)
Heard this song this morning. It helped me.
I just… I went to the counselor last night and I’d looked forward to sharing some stuff, but then it got off into something I’m not comfortable taking about and just made me frustrated and annoyed. Plus she didn’t help me. Like, I knew exactly what she was going to say and what arguments or questions she would have. It was just… frustrating.
I don’t know. I just… And then T is all excited about this new business thing now, which is fine and I’m happy for him, but I… I want to run away. I think I’m seriously going to plan on my ‘vacation’ towards the end of September. Any later and stuff starts to close but I don’t want to be around a bunch of kids either so I need to wait until school is back in.
I want to do something. Anything. I want to have an adventure. I want to see something new, something I’ve never seen before. I want to be happy and laugh and play. I want to forget about work and houses and jobs and junk and just… be me. And I want to do it alone. I don’t want anyone there to make me feel guilty or responsible or like I can’t stop or can’t stay or can’t laugh or can’t cry if I want to. If I’m bored I want to move on, if I’m happy I want to stay. It is as simple as that.
I feel old and worn out and I know I shouldn’t. That’s why that song/verse hit me so hard. “who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Did you know that an eagle’s feathers are constantly new? Feathers fall out and are replaced, making sure that he always looks young and healthy and able to fly.