T came last night. I half expected it because he was cagy when he said he was “almost to his destination”. He likes to surprise me but I would prefer if he just let me know he was coming. As it was I had already eaten and, thankfully, showered before he came. I went with him to a restaurant and watched him eat. We split an orange float too, but my stomach was not really up to eating much.
Then we went for a walk around the mall because he had been sitting all day. We walked for about forty minutes and he kept saying that he had never realized how big the mall was. After that we went home and Mom kept asking me if I had told T that he had hurt my feelings by not calling me. Why should I tell him again when her and Gram both implied everything the minute he walked in the door? Sigh.
But I did tell him that I need him to let me know he was thinking about me. Just a minute would be enough. I never try to keep him. He said he talked about me all weekend and thought about me all the time. I told him that was great, but he needed to let me know too. I told him I wanted to connect with him and be a part of his life. I know it is hard for him so that’s why I try not to get upset or hurt. I try to just tell him. But it takes me a while to figure out that I am hurt and then even longer to figure out why I am hurt.
Plus it doesn’t help that he says he misses me but hasn’t done anything about it. I love his words, but his actions make me not trust them. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn’t move closer. He tells me he’s working on a way for us to be together but I never see anything. He tells me he listens to me but keeps doing the same things.
Am I impatient? Is he just slower than me? Or am I waiting in vain?
I read something the other day about not dating a guy you wouldn’t want your sister to date and it made me think. Would I want my hypothetical sister to date a guy like T? I don’t know that I would. Sometimes I don’t think he treats me very well, but other times I think he does. I know he does the best he can. Am I just wanting too much? He’s my first… everything, really. I don’t know what I want or need or expect or what is rational or normal.
Mom says I need to make him think about me more, and she is probably right. I try not to be a burden to anyone but I should demand respect at least, right?
Bro too. I get tired of being treated like the bank, maid service, and chef. At least Gram appreciates when I act as nurse. Bro just acts like I’m supposed to do it.
It has been better since I let them see how upset I get. Maybe I should just keep crying and looking sad to make them think about me, huh? :p
I really want to just go. I’m waiting until after we see if Bro passes his drug test and my jury duty. Hopefully by then Gram will be stronger and it won’t be too late to ask my boss again for permission.
I halfway don’t care if he says okay or not. It is either leave with a plan or drive away one day with nothing. Planning is better.