It is pretty bad when the sight of an open Word document sends shudders down your spine. I am really burnt out. In fact, I am just writing this to keep writing. I feel drained. Brainless. Tired. Like I should be doing anything else but I don’t want to do anything at all. The only thing I want to do is clean out boxes. Somehow I have equated the removal of boxes with the removal of problems in my life. That and actively moving seems to help me function better.
So… That was yesterday. A lot of stuff happened on the way home and I got really angry. I also had an epiphany.
It is not my job to fix everything.
I can only change one person and that is myself.
I can only do things for myself and expect them to be productive.
I have wasted ten years waiting for something to make it better. Waiting to be at the point I could fix everything. But I can’t. I should have just moved out when I graduated college. I should not have tried to wait for the right time.
There is nothing Godly about helping people out of messes they make. They only learn from suffering the consequences of their actions.
It is not my job to rescue Mom from the people she chooses to be around. That is her choice, but it doesn’t have to be mine.
It is not my job to make everyone comfortable.
I can only make myself happy with the decisions that I make, no one else.
Even if I do what I think will make them happy they won’t appreciate it because they did not have to work for it. If they do not want to work for it then they do not really want it at all.
I told T all of this and he said “I told you so” nicely.
I also know that the Lord has been working on me to learn all this stuff and learn that my ‘help’ was getting in His way. I also needed to learn I was not in control of anything or anyone, He is. I should be living my life the way He wants me to and not the way everyone else does.
I also need to keep Him first in my life and not T or Mom. That means doing what He wants and not what I think will make them happy.
I cried a lot… well, inside. I was too tired to cry outside very much. And I prayed. And it helped.
Today I talked to my boss about the trip. He seemed okay with it like it was no big deal. Next up, Mom.
I also talked to T about the trip too. He was not so okay with it. It makes him feel left out. I understand that, understood that, a long time ago. But like I told him I think going on this trip will make me a better person. A whole person. It will help me know who I am, apart from everyone around me.
I also told T that I had thought a lot about breaking up with him just so he wouldn’t have to deal with my junk and drama. He got mad and told me never to say anything like that again. He said it was the only time he’s ever gotten mad at me and he didn’t like it.
T also said that he had been waiting for me to have my epiphany. That it was part of the reason he was waiting before he proposed. I guess I should have gotten upset, but I understand. I always thought I was doing things right but I wasn’t.
It is a whole new world now. I don’t quite know what to do with myself. What do I do when the world does not revolve around fixing other people? When it is just me and God? It is scary.